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School Sucks PT. 2

So from my previous post, I wasn't an attorney. I switched with someone though, so now I am.
Today I took a AP Lit test on poetry. It was alright. Maybe I got a B or something. Almost didn't do the chemistry homework.
School is gay and is raping me in the butt. I just personified school. (Thanks, Lukey)
Other than that, life is alright.
Played really well in basketball yesterday. Feeling sick and I don't seem to be getting better.
My nose is making hecka boogers. I blow my nose every 5 minutes, and I have a pack of tissues with me in my pocket. Frick.
<3

School

I hate it. I'm in US history and we're doing a Truman trial. I wanted to be an attorney but my teacher insists that i signed up as a witness. WHY THE FRICK WOULD I WANT TO BE A WITNESS. UGH FML.

Right Now

EXPLODING

Where Am I Going?

I haven't been so disappointed for a period of time in my life than this year. So many things have happened that I didn't expect, most of it for the worse. Although most times I was able to look to the good side, sometimes I'm just trying so hard to make it seem like it was good, but really there isn't any good that came out of it.

It's not like I ever learn my lesson. I never change, as it's too difficult. Bad habits are easy to keep. It seems as though I've given up on everything. Everything around me seems to be collapsing, anyways.

I'm never able to finish the last bite. I stared at my hamburger this evening, and there was only one bite left. I didn't want it, however; I was satisfied. This happens almost every time I eat a meal. There's a bit of rice left, there's some meat left, but I won't finish it. It just seems... so unappealing. This is how I deal with life. I never finish what I start. I get so close, but get so lazy, so bored, so content with where I am, that I give up and move on.

In the long run, it's going to cause many problems for me. What future will I have if I'm constantly doing horrible on tests? If I'm not gaining the respect of my peers? What can I do? These false leaders have no passion, they don't do it cause they love it, they do it for themselves. Their own unneeded, unnecessary benefit. Selfish as I may seem, I speak what I believe, and I believe that I am not the selfish one.

My priorities are all screwed up. God and school are at the bottom. Friends and family seem to be on the top. Quite frankly, friends seem to be the only thing that has an affect on me. It's like I don't want to have anything to do with something that isn't about now. The future is unimportant, and I live life in the moment. This isn't the right way to approach life.

My life has been broken in pieces, and I really have no idea who I am, and what I'm going to be doing. I talk the talk, but I can't walk the walk.

The Girl I Want

The girl I want has to be able to watch a sunset/sunrise with me and just fully take in the beauty of it. They have to experience the same joy and happiness that I feel just being able to be there with the significant other.

That's my only requirement :)

Frick

Just made a huge mistake. :(
My life is just a collage of mistakes. Each time I recover from one I just make another stupid one.
FML

Hey

I miss you.

You can be many things.

Boom Bam Bang

Hi everyone. Today was a pretty chill day.
I'm emotionally confused, troubled, disturbed, but why? I'm not sure myself; there could be many factors for this.
I am in need for spiritual revival, but I am patiently waiting for it. I know God will help me when the time is right.

All in all, I'm okay. I'm alright. Things are only bad if I think about the bad things.
Don't worry and be happy.
Yezzir

Hidden Conflicts

Life is full of drama. Life IS drama. We are just actors safe behind ours masks. No, we're not actors. We're super-villains. We are evil, with this mask on, the consequences are piled upon the mask, not the wearer. The wearer feels false comfort. However, when the mask is uncovered, the villain is revealed, causing much problems.
Everyone lives their lives like this. I know this metaphor has been used countless times as well, but I like it. It's completely true. There are so many things that can make one angry, but the one that makes me feel the most hurt, frustrated, and betrayed, is when a friend talks smack behind my back. Yeah, that rhymes.
I mean, come on. Instead of sharing the things with others, put on that mask and tell it to my face. I'm not saying everyone go out there and say what's on your mind. That would be ugly. But come on. Also, instead of complaining about someone's faults, or mistakes, tell them. Help them fix it. Help me fix it. Especially if I'm a friend. Accountability is what we need, as brothers. Or sisters.
Also, to be a good Christians, don't just put on your Sunday mask, or church mask. Just be Christian, all the time. I mean, I struggle with that too but I'm trying to practice what I preach. That's another thing: practice what you preach!

Random Thoughts:
Love yourself and love others.
God is love, but not all love is God.
Get married.
I have a talent show tomorrow.
I raised a total of $3.00 so far for the 30 hour famine. Support me PLEASE.
I'm going to die.
I have a test tomorrow.
I should rest and sleep and eat and get ready.
This is the first time I've ever performed. God help me


You know what? I just put on a mask writing all that stuff.
I talk smack. I try to stop. I'm not always Christian.

I'm losing faith.
Pray for me, pray for guidance. Pray for patience, pray for strength. Pray for boldness.
Thank you and GOD BLESS

Ah. Gay Day

Today is 2 days after valentine's day. Let me tell you that my plans failed horribly. I didn't watch the movie, and of course, I didn't have a date. I ended up spending the day with my family, going far south to visit my grandpa's grave. Came home and just read books.
Later that night, though, I went out to Kristie's house and watched Zombieland. It was an alright movie. Then we played super smash bros and I killed some noobs. Yeah that's right.
I went home, and I unmistakably felt the feeling of loneliness. It sucks haha, especially when there aren't any bros to be with either.

Yesterday I just sat there almost the entire day, and then I went out with Christina and Luke and others to watch Valentine's Day, the movie. It was funny but it only augmented to my feelings of being lonely. After that we had a nice burger at Applebees, then Pochis soon thereafter, and finally went home.

Today. Today I woke up early and did something I've never really done. A morning jog. It felt nice, and I'm really trying to lose calories. I might go on a diet as well. I was supposed to go eat, but my mom left right when I was about to leave the house. Probably 'cause she's angry about my SAT score, which I did not so do well on.
Ugh.

Today isn't going so well. I don't feel like doing anything. Peace.
l0l i'm emo

listen to: Best I Ever Had Matamatics Remix

In The Morning

In the morning, I will have my 2nd SAT Score. I must say that I'm nervous, and I'm pretty sure that I did worse this time than last time.

This night was weird. I talked to old friends again, and it was cool to see how life has changed for them, and how much things have changed.

I found out things that I shouldn't have been told. But whatever, it's all good.

I find that I enjoy sunrises more than sunsets. Well, I guess it depends. For a sunset, it's a good way to end he day, unless I'm lonely. For sunrises, it's a great way to start the day, no matter what.
I hope that tomorrow's skies will be nice and pink and beautiful. Just like YOU!
Goodnight!

Single Awareness Day (SAD)

Oh poop. Guess what's coming up in several days? This Sunday, it's February 14th. More commonly known as Valentine's Day. Uncommonly known as Single Awareness Day.
Who needs someone to be with on this random day of love and affection? Why not just enjoy the comfort of being alone, and hanging out by yourself?
I'm only saying that 'cause I'm jealous, to be honest.
I remember in elementary school, when this holiday came along. Everyone wrote cards for one another, and gave candy. I loved getting them from my crush, and I would be ecstatically happy, pretending as though they singled me out and gave me that small card, with the Looney Tunes character Tazz. I also remember buying candy grams to my crushes.. Oh my gosh that was a long time ago.

There is Hyungjae retreat, which I wish I could attend, but I highly doubt it. It sounds fun, and I miss those guys, but yeah.

My plan is to watch the movie, Valentine's day. It looks good. Single or not, I intend on going!

I watched the Notebook today. It was gooood. Good love story. The only thing that bothered me was that the fact that (spoiler) Allie had dementia. It seemed as though the idea was thrown in there. There's absolutely no reason for her to have a disease... It's like it was there just to make a sad ending. Oh well. I enjoyed it.
Have a good week everyone!

Frustration. Confusion.

I lay in my bed, frustrated. An emotion that is constantly and consistently taking me over. Frustration leads to anger, and anger leads to foolish actions. I may have just made one of those foolish mistakes, but I hope to not think much of it.

What makes me the most frustrated? What brings the stinging tears to my eyes?
When the hope, the future happiness that I will soon acquire, is taken away. It is stolen, it is unfair and unjust.
Why? Why give me the false hope, the false excitement? What brings the most pain and suffering to me is this: failing to meet expectations; expectations that are very much expected.



What am I doing with my life right now? I feel as though I've been going with the flow to a point where even the flow is ambiguous. Going with the flow is no longer fun; it is just a waste of time. Time is the most important treasure that we often take for granted.
I'd rather have a sense of direction in my life. I want to set my goals and dreams, but how can I do that when I have yet to discover myself? My talents, my strengths, my hopes?
I have assumptions, assumptions based upon my prior experiences or talent.
I don't expect the reader of this blog to fully understand what I'm writing about.
This is for myself. For myself to understand my faults, and what breaks me.

I am confused. Please guide me.

Dreams

Last summer, I dreamt so many vivid and long dreams that left me waking up with crazy ideas. Just because of dreams, I spent days focused on ideas that the dream brought me. For example, I dreamt of something that I lost and regretted, and when I woke up, I tried to get back in touch with that lost person.
Nostalgia is always brought after waking up. Sometimes I wake up depressed, and wish that I was living in that dream, that fantasy.
I had developed a perfect way to dream in a way where I was able to recall every detail. I would close my blinds, no alarm, lock the door, turn off music, and sleep. Since it was during the summer, I slept in to at least 1. After sleeping for that long, dreams came to me quickly and vividly.
Nowadays, I can't even remember a single detail of a dream, but I know I dreamt it. I can't dream anymore, because school is always on my mind and interferes with my sleep. I wake up with the immediate feeling the dream gave me. For today, it was nostalgia of old times, summer, hanging out at my old apartment with my neighbors. Just thinking about it stirs warm feelings in my stomach. I can't even remember the dream that brought these emotions. It's weird and stupid.

Dreams are so mysterious. They're adventures and stories. They're scary and romantic.
I used to think that people in my head would watch movies in my head, and those movies were my dreams.

Anyways, it's time that I sleep now, and hopefully I'll have a nice dream.
I dream in color.

My Quirks

First, let me bring to your attention that I've removed several people from the friends and favorites part of my sidebar. They were the ones who aren't active.
I can't stress how much I like reading people's blogs, and seeing everyone stop was a disappointment. Nevertheless, I will continue to compose these random blurbs and thoughts.

I am a weird person. Much weirder than you may think. Here are a bunch of 15 facts that reveal bits of me that I'm certain you've never known.

1. I have a weird walk/swagga. I tend to bounce on each step. Why? Because I tend to be thinking a beat and I bounce along with it.

2. This isn't really weird, but I've never given in to drugs or alcohol. Never. Not even a sip. Weird? Not for me. It's disgusting.

3. I'm more comfortable with girls than guys. It's not that I like them, I just gravitate towards them for some reason. AP Lit video was me and 7 girls (I think?)

4. I can't STAND THE SOUND/FEELING OF: HAIR PULLING. Not really hair pulling but fuzz pulling. IT HURTS THINKING ABOUT IT. Like, when there's hair stuck in velcro, and you try to pull it out. It makes that noise. Or the fuzz on the bottom of the couch, when you pull that out FIRCK IT HURTS. Also, the feeling of scraping ice! AHHH. I hate it. Even though I love ice skating, thinking about it gives me the shivers.

5. I don't mind the sound of nails on chalkboard or knifes scraping against forks or plates. Same with the wind noise in the car or something.

6. I can't sleep without something touching my forehead. If I don't have anything there I get an instant headache. It started happening after I got really sick one time. So now I can't sleep facing the ceiling.

7. If a heater's on in a car, I can't breathe. The hot air gets all up in my noise and I start to get light headed.

8. I'm a computer nerd.

9. I take 2-3 showers a day. I don't like being dirty.

10. I brush my teeth only in the shower (unless I go out).

11. If I sleep with a shirt on, I sweat uncontrollably.

12. My face gets really red when I'm hot. I'm always hot.

13. I'm paranoid whenever I'm in the car and think about every scenario which ends up in me crashing and dying. Started happening after the car accident.

14. After I play tetris for a long time I start to playing tetris in my head whenever I close my eyes.

15. I can't sleep without music or else I start thinking about demons and other scary things.



That's a lot things that I bet you didn't know about me. Anyways, it's time for me to sleep. Goodnight! I'll add more if I think of anything.

Life: A Three Course Meal

Life is a three course meal. I was eating dinner and I just realized that my life was essentially presented in front of me, metaphorically speaking. Well, not life in general, but our day. It consisted of meat, rice, and other compliments such as kimchi or onions. I'm pretty sure that this analogy has been done a million times, but it doesn't hurt to be done once more.
Basically, the rice represent the routines that we have in our lives, the things that we can't go through the day without doing.

So I actually made this into analogies of analogies and metaphors into metaphors. It's really confusing to write out, and it made sense in my head. I'll try my best to make sense and not sound stupid.

Anyways, what I want to say is that breakfast, lunch, and dinner represent our day (or life??). Breakfast would be whatever we do in the morning. The toast, waking up. The eggs, showering. The bacon, getting out of the house, doing whatever. Lunch comes around, which takes place during the most fun of the day. You eat lunch mostly while doing some sort of activity (that's how I picture lunch: a bunch of kids frolicking in a field with a picnic basket that has lunch inside). A sandwich represents our friends, chips would be the extra fun, the crunch and snap.
Then you finish it off with dinner. Sometimes dinner isn't the greatest meal of the day. My dinner consists of meat, rice, and vegetables. You eat the rice, which HAS to be there. In my day, that would be relaxation and chilling. Then there's the meat. Oh boy the meat is the best part, but it can't be enjoyed (for me) without the rice. I guess this represents my computer or whatever I do while relaxing. Maybe sleep. And if I'm lucky, then I won't have the vegetables, which I despise. Homework. The things that you leave last, bunched up on one edge of the plate. You make sure it doesn't mix with the rest of your meal, or else it'll somehow taint it without it's disgusting-ness (when I think of gross vegetables I think of green beans, those steamed gross things, not from the pea pod). Gross.

Today, I must say that I went without lunch and dinner consisted of an extra serving of vegetables. Time to eat!

2009: A Year to Remember, and Never Forget

This post was meant to be posted on New Years Eve, but I gave it thought. I gave it a lot of thought: more than a week to ponder what my big blog post would be. I spent many showers, many hours, thinking of what to write about. I also had moments where I thought, screw it: I’ll just make it a simple happy new years post. But I couldn’t... There was way too much in my mind that was just about to burst about the year of 2009.

2009. Something Of The Past. So much change, so much love, so much hate. I can easily tell you that the year of 2009 was no doubt the very best. 1 out of 16 years of my life deemed the best. That should tell you a lot. There were so many things that were brought into my life in such little time, and so many people were introduced who would soon become very meaningful to me.

Change. I have become a child to a young adult. I have yet to acquire full maturity, and I hope that I never will. Being a child is fun, but being an adult is important. So I name myself the child-adult-wanna-be. Just kidding that’s weird. But yes. There has been SO MUCH CHANGE from 2009-2010. Looking back, I remembered where I was almost one year ago, on New Years Eve. I was in Richmond beach, at a New Years party. The people around me were drunk; people were smoking. It was the first time that I’ve ever had experienced the smell of weed. I saw my friends become pressured to try it, “it’s fun.” I of course, have strong morals and would never submit to such stupidity. Around that time, I was a delinquent. I cussed every other word. I stole. I did many things that weren’t morally correct, even though I thought myself to be. I thought, “Well compared to my friends, I’m the angel in the group.” This isn’t as true as I’d hope to be. My thoughts, my intentions, my inner being was not as pure as I thought it was.

This year had its tough times. I’ve lost so many friends. There are people who I miss so much, knowing that it’ll never be how it used to be. There are so many people who I have lost communication with, and I will hope that I will never forget anyone who has ever even touched my life. I met girls, girls who became more than friends. These people will also never be forgotten, as they have forever made an imprint in my life. I made best friends. I lost them. I hung around a bad crowd. There were just so many things that were wrong and bad in my life, but that was my best year at school. I was happiest that year than other years. Compared to my freshmen year, it was like a switch from hell to on Earth, still far from heaven.

I’m beginning to feel a bit nostalgic. Then again, who wouldn’t be? There were so many emotional moments that happened, so many events that were regarded as amazing. So many firsts, so many lasts. I can’t even begin a list of events that I would think were meaningful. I can try, however, and the list begins with friends. I have met so many new people this year than I ever have prior to this year: so many people who brought change in my life. Most importantly, I met a new family. A safe haven for when I need to retreat, is there for me with open arms. It was GPC. I can tell you that I love every member of this one large family. They will always be there for me no matter what the circumstances. I’m not sure that many of you can say the same: that they have an entire community there to back you up when the going gets tough. I will never forget the immense love that we have for one another, and the deep emotions that we have. I’ve never met such brothers who were so open and loving. These brothers are whom I love to be around with, and I hope that it’s the same the other way around. Without them, I’d be nothing: a lonely soul battling through life. This family accepted me. They know and love me for who I am. I’m truly lucky to have met such wonderful people.

I would love to talk about specifics, but I know that would just take way too long. Gosh, it’s so much. I really, really pray and wish that I will never forget any of the life-changing moments, such inspiring events, encapsulating revelations that I have experienced this year. And most importantly, I am thankful that I have been introduced to God.

Random things that keep popping in my mind:
First sunRISE
HOMECOMING…
Girlfriend
Bestfriend
Retreat
Lots of girls…
Lots of guys! No homo
MEXICO
CAR CRASH

Last year was an epitome of who I was, and what I lacked.
This year, it will about who I am, what I will learn, and what I will become.
I’m not sure that I’m ready to tackle it, but I must. 2009 was a thing of the past: it’s time to focus on the present and the future.
I hope that I will, in fact, be able to write about the end of 2010, and the beginning of a whole new 2011: The year of my graduation, the year of transformation and the apotheosis of high school. I wonder what this year has in store of me.

My resolution:
To change someone's life, for the better.